All i needed was courage

Attempted to call her on sun nite. So i popped an sms over first. No reply until the nex morning. But she promised she'll call tonite.

L.Mist was right. I mean, there wasn't really anything to fear. Not that anything was unexpected which i haven't anticipate. Perhaps it was more of avoiding the issue which made me doubtful of calling. L.Mist herself also had similar experience. And calling up and facing the truth and trashed things out made everything clearer between them.

Yeah, silly me needed a push to get it done. But anyway we managed to talk a little tonite. All I needed was the courage to ask her abt it. Took me awhile to really say out what I wanted to say.
And a fact that she was right about was that we hadnt really been catching up wif each other over the past few months. You can say that the communication was quite sporadic. And only over smses. But I thot it's quite good enuff considering our busy schedule. I just feel that I hav already exhausted all my efforts on my part. I can't really decide on wat to do next when I do not know exactly what she's thinking of this relationship. Are we just friends? Can we take a step further? Those are what I would like to find out from her.

I guess it's a vicious circle. We do not contact each other regularly, hence still feeling that we're better off as being just friends. I tried to take a step further by contacting often, but it's the same old msgs everytime, not knowing how she feels on her side.

I know Im holding back, drawing a line so to speak. My fear is that I'll say the wrong things at the wrong time. To those who know me, i guess I can say i can be lame at times, but juz to liven up the mood by being the clown in the group. But when im wif her, things turn a little more sombre. Guess I became more aware of what to say for myself.

As for her, I feel that she's holding back too. Holding back for fear of giving me the wrong signs that we might hav a chance to get back again. Signs which are what i been wanting to see. She's holding back coz she dun wan to hurt me again. At least that's the reason she told me.

But then, she's not the only one who made the mistake. I did too. But then, what happened had already happened. We can't change the past. But we can still create the future. It all depends on how we want it to be.

The fact that she's still attached gave me doubts about my decision. To go ahead with what I feel right about? Or let things be as they are now? She said she's not happy, and I just thot mabbe I can make her happy. Pure and simple. Can it be done? It's different from the puppy love from back then. But I just thot we shd let go of all uncertainties and try. The only obstacle I can see is the doubts in us. Mabbe Im blinded and cant see anything else.

We only managed to trash things out a little. Unfortunately only a little. But was able to get it off my chest those things that been bugging me.

Stupidly persistent? Or just plain faithful? Seems like the line between is very gray.